Perfect Forever Snow

This is a story that I haven't shared with anyone until now.
The moment a memory is remembered one is not sure, I am not sure if this was real or imagination. My imagination.
But then again, once we have imagined something, anything, a moment, a feeling, it takes on a life and becomes a part of you.
This is my memory.

The sun woke me up with a blistering burn on my left cheek. That morning fresh snow had fallen. The snow was different when I was a child. It was whiter, prettier and lasted perfect and un-touched for what seemed like months. Maybe it was. Or maybe it was me that lasted longer, innocent and looking only at the beauty of things, the snow. Not the slush and ickiness of it.
I got out of bed. My bed was to the right of the window and next to the wall. I liked my bed to be against the wall, since my feet always got too hot under the clown covers and the cold wall was an immediate cooler.
I got out, no slippers. Hot feet remember.
I rushed to the door, creeped out. Down the hallway, past their room, and into the living room.
There was a man, a tall man.
I knew he always existed, but now finally he was real. I could see him. I looked and saw him.
Long curly only at the ends white beard and same hair, only shorter. White and perfect as fresh meringue. Eyes piercing into the sparkling lights. Bags and ribbon, everywhere. I was not alone.
A chill and a warmth were introduced.
The soft breath of life was felt all around me and there was a pinky mist that travelled all around the room. Swirling and picking up ribbons and as the pink air now moved, so did the ribbons. Many ribbons, different colours. It was magical.
One breath spoke. It was a deep voice, but young. A voice I had never heard before but know it was a man named Serban. My father's cousin who passed away long ago. We never met but I was given his name as my middle name and eventhough I only know him through stories, pictures and other people's versions of him I always felt I did know him. I cannot explain it to you or even to myself. It just is. It's like love, you cannot explain why you love someone or something. You can make lists and give reasons but the true true true reason you love someone is because...you just do.

I walked closer, right next to him. I could still feel the night's travelling air on his cuff. It was nice. Real. Reminded me again, he was real.

My sudden magical night was halted by a loud slide of the balcony door. We were on the 10th floor. It was my mother. I froze, stunned for only a moment. I must have forced myself to shake it off, or else I would not have remembered the moment. Then I realized that the time spent with him was becomming foggy too quicky.
I was brought to tears. I remember rushing off down the hallway, past their room and into my room.
I ached, heart and mind exhausted. My feet were now cold as ice.
I remember laying there. The outside perfect snow had now stopped. It was not perfect then. I was just snow. The twinkle of the stars met the crusted brulee snow and bounced beaming off every parking lot member.

The pink air was now in my room. The cuff grazed my arm and I felt his warmth around me. Again. I stayed in my room for awhile. I wasn't ready to give him up just yet. After all we had just met. I took it all in, through my shut so tight eyes they burned. The memory of what was, an angel.

Life, lost.

Standing in line today for my usual "mushroom soup" request I overheard a father mention to a friend, family friend? the details of his loss.

This is a man who is a dear acquaintance of my work life. My daily 10-6 life...my "other life".

Last year suddenly his son was shot and killed...you must remember. The 2 young men killed on June 13th. The horror. I cannot and do not want to even imagine. The Prime.

As I ordered the "other" soup offered (community has caught on to the mushroom fabulous-ness!! and it's one hot ticket) get there early.

I've become "The Soup Nazi " about my soup...the thought of 1-ish lunch time is the breath that keeps me going, the pieces of sliced oyster mushrooms, ahh, unbelievable.

Somber again.

As I ordered the " other " soup the initial conversation as I walked in had now changed from small details of the day, the phone call earlier, the game results and the request for Tums pickup for mother...to a foundation in his name, for dyslexia.

I felt a need to continue listening. The hope of personal details gave me a sense of personal closure. Not knowing this person but knowing of him through 3 years of contact with friends, family and clientele...I needed to know who he was. Was he sensitive or a brute. Shy, outgoing, loud, a momma's boy.

Yes, all of the above and more.

The father now noticed me and we exchanged our usual half smile, soft blink of the eyes and head tilted and down with utmost respect for one another. My for him, after all he has suffered and -ing so much. I would kneel and wash his feet if that would take away a moment of his sadness...do it everyday if it would take it away forever. Wouldn't you. I hope.

I said hello and he asked how I was. How ever did I answer doesn't seem appropriate. Even if I were to have told a lie of some made up tragedy I was dealing with, the lie would soon disappear and his reality would haunt me forever. I said that I was doing well, thank you and with my cold and unsteady arm leaned in, patted him on his left arm and ask how he was doing.

He smiled softly, little creases that weren't there before now appeared stronger than a grandmother's laugh lines. He didn't answer as fast as I did, but when he did he too placed his hand on my hand and said he was doing....sigh... fine. He gently patted my hand, now warm.

It's amazing the love, the energy one can still feel even in pain.

It's as if the love from his dear son has filled his heart now more than in his living years. If that even makes any sense. It doesn't make sense. Never will. But he does.

So he sat and I stood in silence for what seemed like hours, but only seconds until my order was ready.

"Madelmoiselle, yo soupp". ( I don't bother to correct her, now that I am actually a Madame, her sweet as dulce de leche voice sounds so dear saying Mademoiselle, Madame just wouldn't sound as romantic.)

I pay, look back and forth between the busy everything counter of jellies, brioche and marzipan snowmen and the father. I hate that I was interrupted by my stupid soup order.

I say my goodbye to Madame and then....

I would go on with my day, eat my soup, have some tea and maybe even splurge on an eclair and forget the pain we shared just then.

He will have that after I exit, as I walk back to my "other life", as I eat my " other " soup and continue.

I looked back as I wrapped my only cold right hand around the paper take out bag and his hand was as I left it, not closed anymore but open.. hope that the healing can start.

The comfort of the willingness to reach out and give. More than I can say.

It has been a week since my last writing class and after being instructed to write as much as possible between then and the next class ( tonight) I failed miserably.

In all honesty I haven't felt like writing. I've thought about sitting and writing compulsively but also compulsively have created distraction upon distraction to stay away from you. I just haven't felt like it. Different?

I will attend class tonight with my head down and eyes focused on anything but the Prof. She is so good at locking eyes with me...had to read out loud the last 3 classes. Great for my humility.

Heart pounding and ears burning. It's a nauseating feeling, but what a rush. I sit up, straighten my headband or fix my scarf, any form of distraction to the on lookers is a positive. Don't listen but look at my perfectly wrapped scarf. Don't listen, don't compare...don't make this into something. What is it with that. How is that the passion that drives this madness. As final words of our assigned piece roll off my quivering tongue, I exhale and look up at the 12 cling-ons that share my madness and their smile, watery eyes or giggles are why I agreed to read in the first place. If I cannot take the heat from their judging stares how can I move on to the rest of you. Out there and everything else...

I also received my official confirmation ... from the following 3:

Now I wait, there's no turning back just yet. I mean, I'm putting it out there. I put it out there. Que sera sera!!...la la la la la la!!!!!

The thought of entering 4 years of the madness that my husband last night said is " literature" is both terrifying and addictive. The pressure, deadlines and the thrill of more...How can I not go now? Look at that photo...where's Waldo?

I see Andreea.

I've been missing...

The days keep adding on and never seem to give in. I have tried countless times to get my self settled, focused and here with you. Moments rush in and out. Commitments, classes, conversations that must be had and duties that need fulfilling. This is just life. It is busy and direct.

The whole  Life gives you lemons so make lemonade speech is so dated. Life is not that simple as a couple of yellow pretty little lemons. It's tough, ruthless and bites you back. Bite back.

I was recently at a " get together " if you will where 30 or so people attended to honor a man who fought for us, me and you...and everything else.

What was that first step taken to actually knowing and acknowledging that what he was doing would still be here 124 years and counting. HOPE? It must have been the hope of tomorrow's equality and peace. 

Without the extensive knowledge about the details of his fight I can only say this:

We are all here to do as much in our 1 day as we can. Whether it's giving a smile where there is pain or a laugh ( even if the pun was missed) to someone who is clearly always giving to you, do your ( my) best to be the example-setter for the next few who will sit here.

What a beautiful November morning. Lighly dressed, fluffy violet scarf, warm coffee, Babs singing on the radio, I look inside my own personal wants and the only arm I see pointed at me is my own. I grab it and hold on, I am the only one that can move myself forward.

This change is still climbing the rotating stairs. ( You know the 4 steps at the gym that never have a top...no climax!) Those stairs....towards ?

I saw " This is It" last night  and it left me in greater and everlasting awe of the man we call the 

 " King of Pop "

The production was spectacular, beautiful and bitter sweet. Such talent and professionalism, truly art. Loss.

I have to say that going into the movie I wasn't all expecting to be left, well.... speechless and somewhat lost afterwards. A sense of what if has filled my heart and the responsibility that goes along with acknowledgment quickly followed. Watching such brilliance, kindness and respect shown towards his peers has brought upon both sadness of his missing and an undying admiration for his talent. 

I always listened  and listen to MJ, and even followed the ongoing drama that was his life. I never believed it. I always trust too much, perhaps it's my whimsical look on life. I like to think that we are all good, intentioned and willing. Maybe I was wrong, maybe naive. I like the memory I have of him as an artist and as a giver that he was. Isn't that afterall how we  all want to be remembered? What a sad life. What a lonely life...what a Genius.

Some people are put on this planet to stay a while, leave their mark, endure and struggle, smile and scream and then in a blink of an eye disappear as quickly as we first met them. Life is short Yes, but sometimes if never grows past first sight. The sadness in all of this is that we are left to apologize and regret what could have been and He is not. The loss is always harder for the ones left behind. Ironic. We are still here and we are still trying to take the glory.

We are now left to recognize and work with the gift.

What am I going to do with mine?

.................Sigh

Wish it were Thursday.

I started a class, where I revealed myself...and "greatest sorrow". Really?

Bought a new comforter and pillows, coffeemaker and grinder. New.

Prepped the Christmas windows and danced ( well sort of) never really could sway and be smooooth all at once. Practice? no, born talent. Yes, but not this kid.

Is everyone enjoying the summer?

I wasn't sure what shoes to wear today as I am going to an event after work and wanted to wear flats. Which is great for daytime wear but come 10pm my toes would be screaming for cozy somethings. So I opted for nude pantyhose...the flats still look great, obvious and very Coco with the outfit chosen and I get that little bit of extra coverage for the late hours of gallivanting.

I consider myself quite the pro when it comes to multitasking out and about. For instance, yesterday I left home 115ish to make my 2pm appointment But! in the midst of travelling south on the extra slow Sunday train I realized that I needed a nail file. No big deal right...but I really needed one as I had been procrastinating a horrible broken nail fixer upper. My mind started to work out my route since I now had to not only factor in time getting this must have but also how to still make my appointment. I was to get off at College...walk west to? ahhh, yes, I think there is Pharma Plus at the corner of Bay and College...pop in, get acquainted with the layout and head for the nail stuff. Pick quick, pay and walk down Bay to Elm, right on Elm to St. Elizabeth and tada I'm there.

And I did just that. Aisle 3, said a sour man...the sun is out and we are in spring coats! What is there to be sour about when asked where one could fine nail polish ( imagine I would have asked for something as specific as a nail fine...geez, fear! Picked the first flashy hot pink nail file, paid, spontaneous change of route, straight to St. Elizabeth and across to Elm. It just felt right and I'm a believer that when in doubt don't! I didn't and I made it. 

From the top:  class

Writing from the Body is the name of my course. It's a 4 week workshop type class, just 13 of us. I was lucky number 13. Harassing the prof with emails and phone calls gets you places, got me off the wait list. Ha!

It is just what the name says...we write from The Body. From ourselves, experiences, fears joys, whatever our Body is filled with. Very much like therapy. Write it out and get it out. It's amazing how I have been writing and writing but there is still something not connecting my critic to my prose.

We were taught and exercised how to acknowledge our critic. Hear him/her...mine is a she. Listen to her and push her aside when writing. The critic needs to be silenced and awakened when it's time to edit. Keep the pen writing ( keys clicking) even with blah blah blah. Don't stop, continue the simmering, and watch the flavours fill the page. 

So that was class one. Did 4 writing exercises and anticipating Thursdays as if they were Dec. 25. Who doesn't love Christmas morning...well, I am in love with my Thursday's. It's a time to share with my 12 classmates who are all there " because of a passion" one that may or may not fully blossom but one that is here and it feels right.  All together now:

"When in doubt don't" ..... no doubts here.

Back to Happy

Happy.

A word that is thrown around to express emotion, positive agreement and similar to I love you and I'm sorry...not usually expressed from the soul.

We discussed this several posts in but I feel the need to re-visit this one.

Mainly since I am happiest at this exact moment, was happy since the first light ( which today was at 6:17am)....there was a waterfall in the walls. Ha! and I continue to recognize and cherish this feeling of awareness.

Pause.

My weekly horoscope read the following:

I'm not a horoscope-r but find it amusing to pick it up from time to time. Stumbled upon mine today which read the following. Very 11:11 of it...signs are big right now for my change and everything else.

I quote:

" Life CAN be easy, Taurus, but you have to end your addiction to the uphill climb ( it's the downfall of being the zodiac's hardest working sign).....

.....on Wednesday dreamy Neptune ( a planet that is supposed to be some sort of trigger tool...not sure yet) waves its wand and gives your career a giant sprinkling of fairy dust. Your unique offerings trigger the attention of some true power players..."

Hello Andreea could this be any more....ummm, obvious. If airport personnel were to direct my flight path than maybe it could be that obvious but for now this is it. My weekly thoughts have taken me to really and truly believe that signs are all around us until it's time to get our act together and do something about them. Then they go away. Mine are still everywhere, so I'm not there yet but I am taking them, stuffing them in my pocket, breathing them in and loving what they do.

I've been struggling with this idea of: am I really doing this....I actually willingly will commit to several years of doing just this...writing, analysing, processing and thinking.

I mean come on, it's fantastic to be able to pick this up and toss it aside, use the lame 'old excuse of taking a breather and researching topics. Poke! Fine, works great for Monday - Friday @ work and play but in the real world, profs and " groups " and more of this, I'm really asking for it. Hmmm...bring it?

Back to one. I am happy. This is what I love. The way my mind feels rushing through ideas and phrases is such a high ( and I've never, swear on BA's voice, ever even tried the Real High) but I can tell you that this is better. The blood is rushing through my veins faster than the thoughts jump onto this affair we are having.

Hate to admit it but will give credit where credit is due. You were right...and you know who you are when you said to stop focusing on what others are not doing and just do me.

Look at all the goodies that have come out of telling me to be me. The discovery of an ability ....and the idea of knowledge. Rather self-centred have you but what the ****, this is me.

Reset

We made it.

I realize that 29 is the...MY new 90.  As soon as midnight hit I was stiff, mobile? Not going far. There was no intoxication involved...come on...it's me...hello Andreea. Leaning, swaying into my back seat neighbour I was pooped. This is absurd, I'm not even 30 but my aches and pains and the thump thump thump is loud and clear. I'm on my way.

Freak night out was looong and even longer in the morning hours...we were all celebs, what a night. No pictures please.

*Please note costume change:

Cleopatra was actually Nefertiti. Magnificent. Hand made head dress ( gems, glue gun and all) Mavlous Darrling! 

For several moments throughout the night I remember why dress up is so much fun! It's just that...dress up. I am not me. I am another person all together and on Saturday I was ...wait for it ~~~ Harmony . Peace! HA!

Morning came. November 1st...already but not soon enough.

See as mentioned in last post I love the winter! Love it. The scenery is to die for. ( I hate that expression, but it works)  I dare one to try to compare a crisp, snow kissed morning where the snow is so fresh the slightest wind picks up the top layer dusting and creates shapes to be rendered in one's imagination TO A : sunny day. Go on. Try. The comparison stops at the sun. 

A sunny winter day....the world is all a glistening.

My dear readers, crazy I know. It's now Nov 2nd and I'm already projecting myself into 2010 where the snow is settled and the mounds are freshly capped, oh...2 to 3 times a week. HA! if I'm lucky.

Oh, so back to the 29 is 90 statement. 4 hours of fun and I was exhausted. Waking up was a strain and oh gosh all the mirrors eek! stay away, that can't be me, I'm only 29...where did all those waves of baggage come from....pass me the flannelette's and glasses, no glamour today. Pity.

At my volunteer placement I am privileged to be with 2 lovely ladies, 88 & 91 years old:

1 is travelling to Australia ( last year was India and the previous years far away places like that) during the holidays (  wants to see Kangaroos, of course she does)....did I mention Alone! Yeah. And the other is on public transit, works 4 jobs ( the volunteer making 5)

A sense of humour for late night, on ladders, direction here to there, and up here please, moving shelving, carrying stock and all with A Wink and A Smile.

Need I say more.... what headache?  That's what it's all about.

So it's almost Halloween, how exciting!

It's the one day of the year when one is allowed to dress like a freak and get  away with it.

For some it's just another day, but with a little more eye make up.

I am going to be a hippie stuck in the 60's & 70's with a little pimp flare ex: I am wearing a fur coat! Ha!

I will manage to post a photo after the nights end. Ha!

My BFF is Cleopatra, hubby has tagged along and he's my hippie partner. Dazed and Confused meets Studio 54- ish?  Weren't they all confused anyway? And the others are to be confirmed.

Oh and cousin, I was informed is going to be "A Black Cat" . You are thinking: Oh, very original but wait there's more...

The costume comes with a performance of "Memories"...for the lucky few who share her company.  RRRight On!

Wouldn't it be great to have dress-up on the weekly, or at least monthly? A chance to escape and imagine yourself as him or her or it. 

".....Imaging all the people...living...." breakout moment. I'm back.

Who will sign my petition? Family Day. ( Check ) that was me. I still to this day believe that someone heard me say that we should be a Family Day Stat. Yeah, so there!! I feel responsible for giving Canadians another day off. Pat on back, thank you and you're welcome. :)

Dress up day. I'm on it. Might be a little tougher since no matter how you dress up our politicians, they are still....

Kids do not try this at home. Ha!

November brings the thoughts of what is to follow: December and so on.

Instead of expecting " the blues " let's have a little fun, lighten up and live a little. As of Sunday nighty nite starts at 430pm, yuk. But the optimist that I am, I look at it this way. I love snow, cool mornings and slow motion snow flakes and the squish under my boots, who by the way are not rubber or Uggs ....boo! :(  

I enjoy the night, there is a sense of calm and order. No, hmmm, there is nothing pressing, we are all cocooning now. Longer nights, shorter chaos. Peace.

And now we ( I ) wait.

From Friday.

Done and done. I sent IT. Exhale.

4 days prior ( who am I kidding, 5-8 years secretly and unaware) I was inundated with what if, why not, maybe and forget it, the sea parted. The fog cleared and the heaviness lifted. Not fully but just enough to allow my grip to loosen and release the want for more. More of this and the idea of what this can become. Even now as I pause and think, the smile is both inside and out. I feel at home with my thoughts and anticipation.

After some more research I realize now and kick ( kicked ) myself for it....and continue to kick hard. My idea of the ideal was and some days still is simple: to be healthy and happy. BUT, the happiness that I now know I want is one of abundant happiness. With figs and feathers. Strolls and help. Travels and business that comes in piles of commitments, a life of blinking for more than a second to allow the blessings to be swallowed. A life for my partner and I to live and imagine peace as a reality.

My writing has paused from the daily expression, my dear readers...
Do not fear or lose your focus, no need to write in. I am still here, the progress is this:
This is working! What started as a simple inspiration where the basics were butter and more butter has become a tangible, attainable adventure.

The hope is the change and everything else...

This week has been a little hard....stagnant thoughts, changing paths and literary content, literally.

The art of writing or blogging is just that, an art. Topics and ideas. Sure they swivel in an out of my funnelled mind as oil to water...that's not right 'cuz those two do not mix.
Just as my intent and passion. Fantastic to the palette of the creating "this" but nonsense if not applied patiently.

I have made some progress.
I know what I want...I think. ( I think) Stop thinking and just do.
My husband said to me 2 nights ago as he rolled over and placed his warm arm on my side.
" you are my energy, I need to always be close to you to feel ok"
Who needs I love you ever again with a phrase like that.
Motivation and trust. Hello Andreea!!!! This is a man who is doing great things, smart, powerful, " moving forward" things and he says that I am the big drive ( well, not so obviously but a little part of it) That is life. The process by which we look at it, interpret ITS signs and
apply.

It's not enough to take my word for it, move past the articles and " I back it up with X" and translate the language.

This weekend I will whole heartedly complete my application, continue, send and wait to receive.

Thanks babe!

...

Choices, decisions, sacrifices, economy?

My ongoing change is brewing at a rapid pace. It feels amazing.

Scary but amazing, I mean all this time my mind was made up. Work, save, plan, holiday's, marriage, outings, happy.

Now I am south, I am pushing through to the other side of reason, error and the unknown. What a thrill, I'm at the dip. I keep turning the kettle on and every time I check on it it's done. I'm not done yet. 

I'm not there yet...

Soon.

The interesting part about the mind is that whenever you feel it is asleep, at rest or taking a day off it's simmering, processing and creating the ideal, we, you, I have pushed in there.

I

AM

SIMMERING

My dear readers, you being there is my a blessing in forms unfamiliar to my verbal skills.

Through the miracle of this universe we call www I am able to unleash ideas and feelings that even I don't and didn't know existed until this very moment of my fingers and keys uniting.

The following phrase, although not exactly as I have put it was said to me many times by my genius cousin via her father

"Time will pass regardless, what have you done?"

The Family Love

We danced, laughed, smoked (eek) ate paper thin pizza and cried ( I cried)

It wasn't a night of fond memories by any means but a night to remember nonetheless. The closeness developed by the sharing of details so intimate a doctor's test cannot determine its truth is ....hmmm, how should I put it, I can't, speechless.

Body language, eyes focused and a kind smile of assurance. Random nods, head tilts, shakes left right in disbelief and sadness but also in what? It was hard, painful and surprisingly liberating? With all my energy I allowed for the ugly secret to show its face to Her.

To become a truth waiting to be told. 

Erase the slate.

Void the pain.

Begin.

Details are to be left for last night's ears and to be soothed in the crisp night air that was.

This change that continues on amazes me everyday. The signs, the coincidences ( remember there are no such things as coincidences, there is just " it is")

There is a beauty to sharing intimate details of hardships with a loved one. Not only is the cord shortened but it is strengthened. A deeper trust. 

I mentioned this to You last night. 

I always felt you were special, short or curly!

But, I change my mind ....forever. You are a kindred spirit. My Diana, and a true Audrey with your timeless beauty. 

You are the pinch of salt I need.

Between the 2 of you...you know who you are...the confidence is expected I will not disappoint.

Great Men and Women

Jane Austen - 

- What dreadful weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.

Jane Austen - Mansfield Park
- Nothing ever fatigues me, but doing what I do not like.

Jane Austen - 
- Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?

Maya Angelou - 
- Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

Aesop - 
- The smaller the mind the greater the conceit.

Saint Thomas Aquinas - 
- Perfection of moral virtue does not wholly take away the passions, but regulates them.

Dante Alighieri - The Divine Comedy
- A fair request should be followed by the deed in silence.

Dante Alighieri - The Divine Comedy
- There is no greater sorrow
Than to be mindful of the happy time
In misery.

Muhammad Ali - 
- Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

Tori Amos - 
- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change because if it does change then it won't have anything to complain about.

Bryan Adams - 
- Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.

Neil Armstrong - USC 2005 graduation
- I hope you become confortable with the use of logic wihout being deceived into concluding that logic will inevitably lead you to the correct conclusion.

Aristippus - 
- It is better to be a beggar than ignorant; for a beggar only wants money, but an ignorant person wants humanity.

Ingratitude

Thank you mom for following my initial requests posted on day 1 ...suggesting topics. My dear readers, I await the rest.
In my mother's comments from yesterday's blog she challenged the following:

How would you describe ingratitude in 2009 ? can you ? Shakespeare wrote a whole play. NO comparison ! but let's see an opinion in 2009.

So I can't reference King Lear, or compare....This is new and direct.
I am grateful...alert and aware of my fortunate life so far ( most of the time) The other times I am still aware, just clouded.
As a human nature tendency, negative thoughts seep in and out of my mind. It takes the ability to recognize and react to notice these thoughts as toxic and a breakdown in the happy butterflies that travel through me. Simply to say one is grateful is like complimenting an obviously hideous outfit. Fake, and useless to the improvement of future dress rehearsals. In the end, you loose. I loose. As some of my previous entries mentioned, postive thoughts dictate daily turnover of events, happy memories and fond references. Those same thoughts keep me current and in turn ready to receive, appreciate, thank and live by.

By definition ingratitude is the lack of gratitude. Simple enough right? Therefore, the opposite or positive of ingratitude would be gratitude. Still, pretty simple.

Ingratitude in 2009, how long do I have?
The kind gestures of our parents, a generous friend, a thoughful neighbour. Appreciation and thank you's are thrown around as freely as grass seed. Less means more.

We are always preaching ( myself included) in how grateful we are for our health, our family and friends, sanity...( read last Friday's blog for my tentative list ) BUT are we actually, truly living each day in awe of what greatness surrounds us. Do we mean it to ourselves when we are diagnosing ourselves as humble.
I would like to believe and honestly say Yes, but the truth is that on a daily basis the struggle shows it's ugly face.

When doing a kind deed for another person we are enlightened by the joy of the goodness. All good gestures start off with the innocent ideal of " doing good" Without doing a factual test, based on statistics and crunching numbers and those other things (math and I don't love one another) my guess would be that 50% of all selfless acts become acts with a teeny weeny selfish intent. Sometimes a little more on the upper teeny weeny. And why should they not be...through media, social dynamics and daily interactions the idea of being grateful for real, tangible blessings is long gone. We are taught to always look out for ourselves ( good) , do what is in our best interest ( also good), put ourselves first ( good ) and my favourite, in the end we as in I, myself, matter most.
All great ways to approach life, but what about the other guy? Without helping thy neighbour ingratitude has won. The beauty of lending a hand is what is felt, the bond between two people that have share a moment of good faith.

A true cleanse of the soul and a good night's sleep can only be achieved by the purity of the mind, heart and soul.

Oh come on, I gossip, engage in the weekly caddiness and have told my share of white lie's but
I re-group and focus with every sip of water I take. I can say with my hand on my heart that I do not fall into the category of " those people". I am in constant gratitude for you and everything else.
Instead of ingratitude as the focus for this piece I have re-read and paused throughout every paragraph and realize that I have chosen a different objective. I have taken the approach to point out the struggle for the positive in my every day, my respect for the mind and in hopes that through such points and honest observations we can all take a moment and pause, breathe in and say thank you. Mean it and start the day over.

Mom, in summary my point is this:
In 2009, 1999, 1979 and long ago it is within the individal to become what they want to become.
I truly believe that we are helped along the way by faces we meet. We are shaped and our hearts and minds touched with both good and bad. Both experiences leave us to appreciate our ultimate outcome. Without either side, the forces of balance, cannot do their job, one cannot sit back, look past through the file of years lived and smile in gratitude.

17 going where?

I've blogged 17 times and now what?
I was given very good advice by a master of this craft, and I will share the hard truth with you:

"What do you want to write about? There surely must be something you are keenly interested in"
...gulp, the damnedest thing happens when someone asks you such an obvious question that surely I must have asked myself already...but I didn't. It's as if the wind has been knocked out of you, you are alone, hand extended and asking for help. The other arm is there, but right now it's just a little too far to grab...and hold.

I just started writing and that's it. It's about everything and anything. Now there's a pressure to pick a side. I feel tugged, pulled but also pushed down. How do I proceed? What's wrong with writing for the sake of writing...everything. That's just it, I said it right there in my previous statement...I can't write for the sake of writing, I have to make a difference, pick a side, pick an angle.
I feel stumped, why? Because I'm scared? Scared of what, possibilities of a greater life. I've had several dreams lately where I'm at the start line and I am fiddling with my headband and re-tying my shoelaces, over and over again. Anything to postpone a decision, a start. The ideal has been played in my mind many many ....many times. I am a writer, I am known and I feel successful. I've dreamt the feeling of success, felt the power of being " that's her" I know how it feels looking at that moment in my life. The reality of it is quick sand. It has got a hold of me and I want to stomp on the start line and begin my trek.
Really, anyone can write. Open a new document and think of something happy, or sad, think of something, and start writing but put you guts in it. Write as if your next breath depended on your thesis, give it some thought BUT not too much. Oh gosh my dear readers, just write, prove to me that you and I are going somewhere with this.
................pause...................
Like all great things started, to make them last takes work. I knew eventually I would have to do more that "this" but my soul isn't ready to want more.
...............pause...................
I take that back. My soul is thirsty for the pleasure of treating you all with the verse of controversy, the detail of imagination and the beauty of the written word.

I will "go to the mattresses" wake up and re-read today's blog. Over and over and over until I am done with the laces and passing though the ribbon.

Tunnels of lifesavers

I'm back.

It's been 3 days. I missed you all!

I was away for the weekend visiting my husband's grandmother, I guess she is my grandmother-in-law.

I call her grandma...hope nobody minds :)

We spent 3 days with grandma, talking eating, visiting, baking...

Morning

930 I begin to toss and turn...soon I wake up.

Out of the 4 of us, one has been up for several hours, walking on the shore, around the park, through the cemetery ( which is beautiful...I know) past the bridge, by the church, the crazy dog and back to 103.

The next is sitting in the rocker by grandma who is sitting in her "spot" with the tv on mute but on the news channel. Those who have been there know, it just is what it is.

As I am waking up I hear the water being poured into the kettle and placed on the stove but the stove is not turned on yet. The table is being set: plates, cups and glasses for tea and juice ( small glass and cup for grandma ) cereal, sliced apples or maybe oranges ( the suspense is killing me, what will it be?) jam, marmalade,peanut butter. The toast pops, but there are still several rounds to go, after all there are four of us.

I stretch, throw the covers off and breathe in. It's been a while since we were last at grandmas in and it's now morning. The memories always come back in the morning. Memories of visiting her and grandpa at the farm, sitting in the kitchen and looking out at the bird feeder, having 3 plate fulls of apple crisp and sharing stories of past and present.

For several moments as I sit on the edge of the bed looking out at golden maple trees, I remember the maple trees as we would pull into the farm off the most beautiful lane way. 13 maple trees adorned the farm and 1 lonesome apple tree off to the side. I have pictures, where at those pictures?? I will find them and post them.

I only had the privilege of going to the farm 5 or 6 times but every time we drove past the red mailbox and up the lane I sat back, eyes wide open and thoughts parted. I was taking it all in.

And now those thoughts are always with me. It was beautiful, serene and a far away place mentally. So quiet there was actually a noise to the silence. And there was always the wind, it entered the house through the cracks created over many many years of life that travelled through, it whistled and hummed. It was a great place to visit, must have been a special place to live.

There is a certain mental chaos that I feel everytime we are on the way to grandmas. My mind is in city mode and I need to switch channels to country. Constant thoughts of work, chores, committments, calls, emails, conversations, possible conversations...full days, long nights and just not enough time with you. The chaos soon disappears and I crack the window, look far past the horizon and catch a glimpse of the red leaves peeking over the hills. Soon they will be in sight. I wait, take a sip, look around and straighten up. As we are driving I find myself looking forward to silence and the casual gossip grandma has to share. She's soft spoken so to catch her fantastic sense of humor one must sit on the chair next to her or on the couch. I sit on the couch, front row.

There are always great stories to be shared, usually of stuff that " dad " did, said, people he met, and places they lived in, moved to, all real stories, all great stories! Priceless and so well told. She giggles at the funny parts and pauses in memory of great love and best friend that some called grandpa and others dad. It's a moment not to be missed. Truly, true love.

After driving through what grandma says " is the most beautiful part of Ontario", tunnels of lifesavers, colours so bright in the shade, if the sun were out the beauty would be intoxicating I look forward to seeing her again. In the winter, amongst the twinkling sparkle of the moonlit trees, snow covered rooftops, cinnamon spiced aromas and a warm smile.

Oh, and if the suspense of apples or oranges was lingering with you, we had apples and pears.

summary and thanks

So I promised to give a summary of my Monday blog on expectations. I did my exercises, practiced positive thinking and minding my own business and primarily focusing on the good...more.

I was doing great, really...until last night. So stupid, a kettle thing! No details needed, but I totally get it.

Basing happiness and fulfillment on one's reactions is no good. Oh gosh, in fact it's depressing.

It creates a hardship between the channel of communication, a breakdown in honesty.

Ugggh!

But at the same time I have to say this:  for those specific situations where there is only one answer to the question we are in the right to expect.

Doesn't happen often but when it does, think it through, breathe and imagine yourself in the other person's happiness or sadness. Whatever the situation that presents itself is, do you need to support or agree. Is this a time for truth or a little white lie?

We can all be sensitive and swallow it for a minute or two, it won't kill us.

After all we've all been there and to have someone open up and speak and let you in is huge, scarry and a Big Deal!

So, sometimes to expect is expected. It's ok and it's human nature.

As Thanksgiving approaches let us all remember what this holiday is all about. Family, peace, love and appreciation. For each other, our health, homes, friends, careers, pets and everything good.

I am thankful for the following ( not in any order of importance)

Mom and Dad for their true love and their good health

Being married to a Great Man, who is always looking at ways to better himself. It's remarkable.

My sweet friends and extended family, you know who you are: Sweets, Shelly, Sis, Cousin,

C - Fam... D&D, D&B

Kitty

Our cute little shoe box apartment, so small but like a pair of shoes that's old and has shrunk after many walks in the rain...it's the best.

My health

My ability to think, breathe, talk, hear, see, taste, love,understand, learn and be taught.

Good taste ( thanks Mom)

Good manners ( most of the time)

Great toes...my best feature Ha!

Exquisite haute couture fashion flare ( I'm not wearing it, but aspire to one day be)

Being alive to be doing this, fully with all my heart and everything else!

Thanksgiving Advice:

- save your spot on the couch with a book or something that is personally yours, that way after the 3rd plate of turkey has settled your napping spot awaits you.

Bon Appetit!

Last night I made muffins from scratch...with all the good ingredients. No dairy, no sugar. 

Without tooting my own horn, they are delisioso!

Which makes me come to the following conclusion: cooking is fun and exciting IF making something fun!

I also made cauliflower ginger soup with all kinds of spices...turmeric, cayenne pepper, saffron and lots of ginger.

Actually, I will post the recipe at the end of the blog. I highly recommend this soup for cool nights, have a bowl and cozy up to that special someone. It's a good thing! ( Oh, Martha, thank you) Has a little kick but overall it's soothing and acts as a meal. Throw some croutons and you're good to go.

My experience last night was by imagination a relationship building with my new change. I was not only saying the ingredients out loud but feeling the flavours as they infused themselves into the dish. The caramelized onions and cauliflower revealed themselves as never before. The two main ingredients, the cauli and the onions are by no means fancy or in any way attractive so what's the catch. It's the process, the time taken to let the flavours marry one another, the ivory cauli slowly turning a golden amber, it's was like painting a canvas. The more flavours added the prettier the picture. While adding the 1/8 tsp of saffron and 1/2 tsp of cayenne my senses were awakened and my mind full of joy.

I was not only creating something good, but relaxing myself through the Joy of Cooking.

I've never been a "natural born cook" until now...I think. Perhaps I should have more than my husband's nice praises towards anything I cook as my back up before I jump to any conclusions.

But, judging by last night's hour and a half soup and muffin all from scratch success, I think I've got it and are getting it.

The boring fish on tin foil and in to broil for 15-20 mins is why cooking is dreaded. And who can forget the meat and potatoes. What fun is peeling 6 potatoes and loosing weight mashing them? And the meat, unwrap and plop in a pot at 350 for 2 hrs. Wake me when it's done. Who cares to do that, sure it's fast and simple but is that always the best. The joy comes from being a part of the process. Like with anything, if you are a part of it you are that much more connected in the end. We are always rushing around when it comes to dinner time, why not allow ourselves some time to simmer, stir, infuse. Enjoy the process. After last night, I'm all in.

In summary, any creative process feeds the mind, however one is fulfilled it's a beautiful process. One that I am embracing and constantly developing.

Dear readers,

If I had a bigger place, you all would surely be invited to a tasting. Promise!

 

here's the recipe:

INGREDIENTS

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 small head cauliflower, cut into large florets
• 1 large onion, cut into large
• 1 tablespoon butter ( I didn't use the butter)
• 1 pinch sugar ( no sugar either)
• 3 large garlic cloves, thickly sliced
• 1 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
• 1/8 teaspoon saffron threads
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 3 cups chicken broth, homemade or from a carton or can
• 1 1/2 cups half-and-half (or whole milk) ( I used soy milk)
• Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste

DIRECTIONS

1. Heat oil over medium-high heat in a large, deep saute pan until shimmering.
2. Add cauliflower, then onion; saute, stirring very little at first, then more frequently, until vegetables start to turn golden brown, 7 to 8 minutes.
3. Reduce heat to low and add butter, sugar and garlic; continue cooking until all vegetables are a rich spotty caramel color, about 10 minutes longer.
4. Add ginger, turmeric, saffron and cayenne pepper; continue to saute until fragrant, 30 seconds to 1 minute longer.
5. Add broth; bring to a simmer over medium-high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer, partially covered, until cauliflower is tender, about 10 minutes.
6. Using an immersion blender or traditional blender, puree until very smooth, 30 seconds to 1 minute. 
7. Return to pan (or a soup pot); add enough milk, broth, ( I used soy milk and some water) so the mixture is soup like, yet thick enough to float garnish. Taste, and add salt and pepper if needed. Heat through, ladle into bowls, garnish and serve.

As my initial muse would say " Bon Appetit"

New Year

What is it about something, anything new that is so exciting and gives off the instant "now" factor.
Totally off topic but kind of one topic with the new ...
Anthropologie's new catalogue, oh my, I almost choked on my chamomile tea while on page 31. A magnificent colour, feminine and flirty neckline, cozy yet sexy sweater that if I lived alone would be on a hanger and on permanent display in the living room. A piece of heaven that deserves to be admired from afar but also worn with utmost character. A beauty and over my budget of course.
It's fall, new everything...new colours, trends, knits, patterns, scents, foods, ideas, books, gifts, courses, music...endless. With less than 3 months left of 2009, the new beginning toward a new year is intoxicating. The usual stress and pressure of cramming and starting out fresh has left me. I am a new me already. Working and dreaming and planning my way to the top. A top that may not be a top for all or not a top at all but a top for me where I look down and feel proud. I am looking, feeling and all of it is different. No more rose coloured windows for this chick, windows are clear, real and open.

I've never felt like this before. Could be my new found change, that is propelling me to wanting more, now and yesterday. I have no patience, must happen, must see progress to stay focused.
Trick yes, impossible nonsense!

Just today I woke up and contemplated several times back and forth whether or not to go into work. Don't get me wrong I enjoy my job. Surrounded by beautiful things in the best Toronto neighbourhood amongst lovely people, clients and staff. Just divine...but This Writing...ahhh this time I share with you... it's heavenly. I'm on a endless cloud, if I could be stranded on an island with my music, pen and paper ( ideally a laptop but for romance sake pen and paper has a prettier sound) and my husband I would die one happy happy lady.
I contemplated because my mind was inundated with thoughts and ideas, topics and controversy. The writing is the blood, air and joy that is with me now. I carry it so dear, why I waited so long to introduce it, who knows. A regret, perhaps but maybe not...a delay sounds fair.

The anticipation of a new year when already the new me is brewing is exciting and scary all at the same time. The leaves are coloured now, as my thoughts and strengths are. Leaves die, what will happen to this passion. Will I survive?

I will survive, but the ideal, well, could be altered but I hope not by much.

How are you?

Yesterday 10am-ish I was sipping on my black ...you heard right...black Americano ( not too bad actually...phew) a lovely lady walks in and we proceed to exchange the usual. 

How are you? Me: Fine thank you, how are you? 

Lovely lady: Happy, thank you.

What's this....happy? who actually says that, can we say that...she did and she was fantastic!

I smiled and told her that she was a pleasure to be around, and how she made my day and then I went on and on...as I usually do. She was refreshing and lite, perfect lady to walk into my life on a Monday morning, she was the wind and energy for the day...my day.

We engaged in a conversation about how it's easier to wallow and say the usual blah's to one another than share in the joy that is...simple joys like my lovely visitor...she was happy for the sun being out and for having shared a great breakfast with her niece around the corner. 

How sweet and happy. I do happy things like she did so why am I just fine...I'm always fine.

BTW: FINE stands for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Insane...as per 

"The Italian Job" ( the movie with the Austin Mini's and Marky Mark)

I mentioned my blog and how just that morning I wrote about expectations which is so much the same as we were discussing and she so happily wrote down the link and promised to read and share thoughts and ideas. That made me very happy...along with a bunch of things that day.

Happy is always there but like the blooming tulips of spring or the crimson red leaves of fall if you don't pay attention they will be in an out of your life. No imprint at all. 

So like Danny would tell D.J and Stephanie at the end of every Full House episode, what have we learned from today?

Don't know about you but I have learned to hold on to the goodness all around me, look for it and put it in my pocket. It will minimize the blah's and awaken my quirk and smile when the sky has pulled its grey canopy on my day.

So this morning when I was at the counter just about to order my Americano and Angela asked how I am? I leaned in, smiled and with confidence answered, I'm happy, thank you...how are you? and so I passed the torch and the relay continues.

What If Monday?

All week I've been waiting for what if Monday...and now it's here, but there was nothing to what if about. How's that for a bummer.

I'm sorry cousin, I tried. I missed my usual train and prepared myself for what if? Nothing, no excitement at all. The most ohh ahhh that happened on the train ride to work was that I momentarily lost my balance and kind of hugged the lady standing next to me. Big woppi-di do!
That was it.

I could always fib and create a what if story but in all fairness to my dear readers this is reality...sometimes. Ha!

Good night and see you in the morning!

Oatmeal to Freak!

I'm up, oatmeal and started to write and then crash....the idea that came so easily out of my mind and onto this virtual paper was gone.

My topic, what topic, it was something else and now has changed to the following: dealing with expectations and how they affect us on the daily. Sounds so serious, like a class something 101.
I read somewhere that " expectations are a premeditated disappointment" That is genius!
And they are just that.

ex. 1
I sat myself down to begin my week with this blog, peace, quiet, nothing but imagination and thoughts running through my veins when it happened. Not one, but several it's. Ahh followed by: ****, and more ****** like it.
My tendency was and is to react and expect that since I am obviously at work, in my element, doing what I am doing...I would be left in silence, well that's not what she, he! wrote.
Did I premeditate this outcome? I don't mean did I wish it, but did I expect it? Had I simply continued on to write, think and transfer ideas and opinions for you all, my dear readers instead of stopping the flow and expressing my disappointment, would this have happened.

Maybe not, or maybe still.
Let's look at some more examples.

We do something, anything....send an email, leave a message, say something to someone, sometimes in a moment where they weren't exactly listening but you know they will review later. We do this and already smile and stand up straight to receive...receive  " the answer we already think we should get" but that is not what comes out. What does come out is a great answer but not as great as ....you get it right. Ok, moving on. What was said wasn't the ideal, no compliment but a remark, introducing a thought that we have already thought of in many forms. We have analyzed this response or action to teeny weeny bits and pieces, to work out how it best suits us. Yes us, note the situation where there is more that just ourselves, there usually is an us.

So as we go on through our day waiting for this big pink elephant we have put in the room to show its face we are slowly saddened, angered and feel let down. And why shouldn't we feel that way...after all we deserve it. Or did we ask for this feeling ( of read above ) When only to find that if we really look hard we ourselves have created the monster. Not allowing for the personality of every individual to interpret as they should. Again, we do that too so why not the rest of them. Oh boy, questions of why and why not. I feel like I'm in my terrible 2's. ( Not so much but the 2' + 9. Ha!

Let's now do an exercise for the day and for the rest of week where I would like you all to try what I just described. Be honest and really do it. Expect your expectations but become aware of them. Now that I am writing about it I have put myself out there to be the #1 guinea pig. I will be the starter...but you must follow.  I am constantly haunted by such expectations and like the sugar and dairy must stay away from it for it is now becoming toxic. I love too much to be this way....I love you and will do better!

Instead of just taking issues and people and events as they are, good or bad and dealing with them as they come and individually ...we hold on to the past and drag every event into the present and future and find a way to justify it. Why do we do that? It's craziness. I will tell you why....because it is easier to focus on negative issues where we can find sympathy and have the right to lash out and show anger than breathe deep, think about it and move on. It just is. It just is. All together now...it just is. And that's ok...it is...but we have to be better, grow and keep growing. 
This is hard, it is the hardest thing we as humans have to do. Live in the moment and leave the past and future where they belong. It belongs there. What is hard is the best to try and do because once you do it you can show it off and say " i did it"....at least let's all try...
We cannot change or control the superficial issues that were and will be BUT we can change today. How we are today, deal with today and what it is presented to us.

So, back to the exercise. Everyday starting today make mental notes on expectations you had, big or small. Could be as small as that the coffee person at the shoppe didn't ask you if you wanted 1% or 2% in your coffee, where you expect him/her to obviously ask. Make a note of that and how you felt. Sounds stupid, or you are probably thinking that such a small thing doesn't matter but guess what!!!! if you notice it, it matters. Anything we notice whether we are vocal about it or not matters. It gets stored with us all day and with all the other events to come will only turn out to eventually pop and by pop I mean pop.

I will do the same and we will do a summary at the end of the week.
I believe that if we can train our minds to slow down and pre-occupy itself with the positive rather that expecting the negative we will have a better day to day outcome. It's better to go on and on to others and in yourself about goodness, happiness and all that good b.s....do it all day!!! Bore others with it and drive your devil insane.
I mean when do we ever find ourselves expecting a great reaction, outcome etc. Rarely. For the most part we anticipate that when we present ourselves with something requiring a reaction, have already envisioned so far ahead and so specifically that when the reaction is unleashed and not as I or you had it play out, there is now no room for that error in flight. What I have noticed through careful observation that if left alone and not given another thought, things usually work out. Nothing or no one is perfect but usually everything works out....When I ponder and plan out and scrip out my day from hello to good night....the room for error has now become the Universe...endless and dark. Anyone can fall off the pedestal if put there.

Ahh, a tough one for Monday morning...but I will enlighten you all with the usual What If Monday later this evening for a pm ready if anyone is around.

So go out there, be honest. Try hard and don't try to control yourselves. This week is to be yourselves, and make the mistakes I introduced. Next week will be to recognize and correct them.....if we are willing. That's all.

Ok...go!

Oct 2nd 2009

Good morning, I would continue on letting you all in on my dream home but considering today is the 2nd I think it's appropriate that I say Happy 2 Months to us! My husband and I, and go back to the 2nd of August, our Wedding Day.

What started out like a cloudy day with even a few sprinkles soon turned sunny, no clouds and not even the wind would interfere in our special moment.
There was simply a warm August breeze, enough of a breeze to pick up my veil and hold it in her embrace and let the light pass through and cast a warm sun kissed look on my face and shoulders. It was indeed the perfect day!

10am -ish....We arrive to have our hair done. Sweets, Shelly and my now Sister in Law.
We were all excited, running around, giggling but a little anxious, giddy but nervous...happy.
We exchanged well wishes and hugged and laughed and went " outdoors" for a break...wink wink. We were finally done, looking odd all made up and still wearing our linen comfy pants and t-shirts. Packing in mom's Volvo...we're enroute to the destination that will in a short while hold memories and laughter that will remain in the walls and air forever.

We're here, dad greets us with a warm smile and quickly rushes us off to our room...we mustn't be seen...quick off you go. I felt like Edward our beloved but odd character from Twilight in that moment...if I stayed out any longer I would die...out of the light and indoors. This is it.

Ahh, we're here...within moment mom, cousin, my now mother in law arrive and other immediate and extended family arrive. It was so nice to see everyone all dressed up and fancied up...we should have weddings more often.
FWD to 445pm...I'm all dressed, mom and I exchanged a moment while looking at one another across the bouquet table. It's a look of " you are ok, you are going to be ok...let's go" No nod, no words, just a quick glance that was just what I need to exhale, put on my veil and wait for dad to swoop me away.

He's here, dad's here...my dad, what a stud. Tux and all...Bond, Bond who? Dad was so handsome, he too should fancy it up and wear a tux more often...why not it's fantastic! I'll bring that up at next time's dinner. Perhaps we could have theme nights and the next will be Old Hollywood...that should bring the tux out. No? Ha!
Dad walks in, turn left in the door way and looks right at me and says to me in Romanian
"frumusete" meaning Beauty. It was perfect, he was perfect, I felt perfect. I know there is no perfect but that day and moment was, trust me, it was as perfect as can be. I'm ready, not nervous at all, at all. Nothing, no butterflies just excitement to get down there, do my walk, hold his hand, say the vows and let him know how much they mean to me and how much he means to me...Kiss and tada...we're husband and wife.
And that's just how it went.
My lovely ladies entered before me, wish I could have seen them walk in. Isn't there a video?
Followed by mom and the cuties and then it was dad and I. Pictures will show no lie, I am smiling from China to Columbia. A smile that when I look at it makes me feel like a little girl. I was in the moment, present to all the goodness around us. All the love. And there sure was love.

He looked so handsome, smiling yet a little emotional. It was and is a moment frozen in my mind. Here I am all high on smiles and wanting to run down to greet him and he is calm and taking it all in. That's who we are and why we make a great team. I'm the coo coo one and he is the wind to give me a push but also keep me down. Together we are yin and yang. The balance that everyone one needs in themselves, as a couple.

...to be continued.

Change...cont'd

Day 2 of the change.

So far so good.
Give me several weeks of the change full on and I will give a full report of all the goodness that will come out of the new Me. Day 2, I feel good, rested and more importantly I feel a constant drive throughout the day. Could be mental perhaps...who cares, whatever, it's good.

So, in several weeks check back and I will keep you posted with details of the pros and only pros of this change. ( No negative Chicks on this blog)

__________________________________________________________________

I've been writing and erasing. Writing a lot and erasing it all.
Focus Andreea...Hello!!!!

The problem here is not the lack of ideas and topics but it is just the opposite, the excess of ideas and topics. What to do, what to write about....ahhh, I'm having a hard time tonight.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the future. Not the future in a vague way like where we will be, where will we live, number of children, how many children etc...but specifically.
I also find myself obsessing over one part of the future and dreams about it for hours.

This week I've been picturing the house we will one day live in.

Firstly, the house HAS to have a white picket fence. I don't care where it is, in the city or in the bush but the fence is non negotiable. It will be there or it will be installed. I didn't have a white picket fence at my grandmother's house or anything cheesy like that, so there is no long emotional story that follows, but ever since I can remember the fence has been there, white, 4" wood, 30" high or so and pointy at the top with 2 horizontal pieces of wood going all the way across, around the house back to the front to meet the door that allows you to enter a little place we will call home.
The house will be white brick, painted with navy blue shutters, old wood window panes with seeded glass ( I'll take regular glass too) Some squeaky and some maybe not even opening. But, lots of windows. 4 big ones on either side of the door. The door will be white, rounded at the top with a little lead window, the number on the door and one of those knocking thingies.
Backtrack to the windows, hanging from the 4 windows will be flower baskets of course, with yellow and white flowers, bushy and lush. Nothing tailored about this house. Casual yet pretty and put together...but by no means fussy.
Ok so fence, door, windows...
2 storey and an attic ...ohh the attic would be fantastic. Either for a bedroom or writing room...I mean hello I will need a designated room where my thoughts will meet my fingers without interruption. So it's settled, writing room. Nothing more than a great big dining table turned into a desk, solid wood with a trestle base and a cushioned wing chair. Done in a great fabric ...like a raspberry pink toile, not fuschia, not hot pink, raspberry! The idea of muslin or gingham, help! nothing boring or expected. Wood table, pink chair and a great sound system, coffee machine of course with big oversized mugs all in different colours and sizes...and a small banquette for visitors to sit, lay down and of course not say a peep while listening to the clicking of the keyboard.
( this could definitely be my favourite room)
Very important, all throughout the house the floors will be painted in a white wash...who can see it now? Oh I can, and it's magnificent!
Think French Country, meets Cape Cod ( haven't been to either place ....well France yes but just Paris) French Country, Provence France...there no, but aspire to. The France that has lavender growing for miles, just a soft haze of violet...as if you are squinting your eyes and the violet is fuzzy, when indeed your vision is perfect and there really is so much lavender that the idea of green grass is foreign.
So, haven't been but through books, magazines, friends and a great imagination that is what our house will be.
The inside details are what leave me puzzled and change on the daily. Would there be a hallway with a console, lamp, fabulous lighting and some great art work, after all first impressions are everything or would the entrance be open to the rest of the house.
Not sure about that one. Both are ideal however the entryway leaves room for a creativity that can be kept withing those walls. Colours, wall treatments, floor coverings...the possibilities are endless when confined to one room. I'm feeling overwhelmed. This is the first time I am actually making these definite contracts with "this imaginary home" It feels rather intense to create from your mind's eye and express to you all and to the house Gods what I see.
Now it's out there, it's real, that is good. Real is good. Real is what turns into reality.

It's late and I promised I would blog in the morning and so far I've only done that twice this week.
Very bad, I'm ashamed and disappointed with myself...so, before I go any further I will bid adieu and will see you all tomorrow morning with either a continuation of "our home" or a fun, fresh idea that will be given to me in the light of day.