Change

Yesterday was a day full of change and the anticipation of change.

I was given some health news, news that I have taken very seriously. 

Without the boring details...no dairy and no sugar and as little mean as possible...aka vegan!

What fun. Might as well have told me, "you will no longer enjoy life" ( which to me is food)

I love food, I love the foods I can no longer eat. The beautiful taste of a good cheese...awww cheese or one of mom's desserts is now only a memory.

As I write, I'm forcing my tall drink into my mouth and the initial introduction of the no sugar and soy milk to my taste buds is horrible. The aftertaste is also something  to mention and can be described only as interesting...lingers and tastes like sour milk...that can't be right. Sour milk, I suppose I will get used to it. Can't wait for that day.

It's not so bad is it? I mean all this is to make me feel better, and the hope of that is what keeps this going.

I have books, websites to join and the support of my husband and family. But like anything that is drastic and sudden, how long will my wave last? This needs to be permanent if it will work.

Doctor's order was specific. Make the change and you will feel better. So why is the obvious so difficult to comprehend?

I've been told I am stubborn so why not apply that same stubbornness that doesn't give in to not giving up and exchanging cheese delicacies for green goodies.

I'm going to do it and share how.

Today was day one of the new me...no sugar or dairy yet. It's mid morning and so far I've had oats with a spoon, no milk just the oats, I consider it a loose granola bar. Quite yummy, and the soy coffee mentioned above. That not so good but good enough, my next challenge will be to try just black coffee....now that's huge. I will confirm if and when that is attempted.

My next meal will be green bean salad and tofu with romaine lettuce and olive oil dressing...apples and water from glass bottles. 

Dinner will be tricky as I am going out with cousin and we planned for wings on Monday ( the day before the change) I don't want to disappoint so we are still going to the wing place where I will have a salad. 

So to keep today simple  I am looking forward to my new meals. 

My perspective is this:

Why not? Eating better is better. Sure, all the really good stuff is so good but there is a reason that this is all happening.

I have to believe that or I might as well give up now. 

Sleep on it.

Morning light is perspective.

Everything is different from yesterday. I am different.

Most importantly I am up and blogging at 830am. Nothing too exciting but an accomplishment for us non-morning people and I am definitely one of those. Not only am I blogging but I am showered, dressed in my good clothes not just wearing a house coat and having a coffee. So I am making a vow ( hmmm) to wake up every morning and blog. I need your support. It's important.

Making a decision, creating an idea....from the Godfather...( ok honestly, via You've Got Mail)
"go to the mattresses"
And why not, it is where we feel most comfort ...well there and with a chocolate bar. ( I'm letting you in )
There are not worries, not judgements, no questions to be answered, just you, pillow, covers and thoughts...which can be time consuming....BUT there is a remedy.

I've been advised to meditate with 3 phrases:
Image
At Rest
Talk

Directions:
2 minutes of the above.
Sit or lay down and just breathe and let your mind unload. Do not try to think of something just focus on breathing...not easy trust me I have tried countless times but like putting hot curlers in your own hair...it takes time but when its done, ohhhweeee fabulous~

Alright so here we go:
Breathing?
When an image of something comes in your mind...could be anything, a person, place, or thing say out loud Image.
Always breathing in and out...in and out. If you catch yourself talking to yourself ( that's my big one) say Talk.... and lastly when you mind is at ease and the only sound in your head space is peace say out loud and proud At Rest.
Soon At Rest will be all you are saying. A simple exercise to train your mind to listen to you, not the other way around...but again takes time and effort on your, my part.
Don't be hard on yourself, give it a try. Just 2 minutes of any effort is better than none at all.

There comes a sense of clarity through devoting just 2 minutes to something that is for the benefit of mental peace.
A sense of I don't know...HOPE that soon it will be better.
Without hope what's the point. For big huge issues and for small ones like the hot curlers.
HOPE is what pushes actions through.

Tomorrow's Topic:
To be confirmed.

What if?

Rainy Monday.
Sky and Me.

To all my readers...as of tomorrow I will be writing first thing as to allow all of you to read, digest and send your comments for a better tomorrow. So get out those calenders...calenders? who uses those anymore...Crackberries and iPhones, text me in.

I found that in the short week of blogging in the evening has left me rambling since I've had allllll day to think and think and change, edit...add this and that and when fingers come to type what's up there onto here...bring your snacks and get comfy 'cuz you will be here a while.
So at the great advice of none other than my mother I will write a little and perhaps keep adding...to "it" as I go.
Consider this our main dish and without a little salt...perhaps a little more salt any meal would be incomplete. ( that was for my cousin xx)

So....

What if?

Monday has turned into What If Monday?

Q:What if I didn't get the grande coffee and stuck to my usual tall.
A: I would have saved the .37 (wow), not spilled the hot hot hot steamed soy milk all over my right arm while trying to balance the grande, umbrella and open the door with my right arm...I'm a lefty and I have to remember that.
...ok smart***, yes of course I could have still spilled the tall on my arm as well but I beg to differ since my everyday coffee is a tall and I'm a wiz with those dimensions....seriously! I could balance on the balance beam with it, no lid ( that's IF I could balance on the balance beam at all)
That's another what if.

Q: What if I didn't decide to make spaghetti with a lot of veggies and both crimini and portabello mushrooms?
A: I would have come straight home, not gone to the store to buy "extra veggies and the 2 kinds of mushrooms" and gone to my usual right instead of going left, through the twirly thingy and had my "environmentally friendly bag" stuck on the twirly thingy, which would have been no big deal had my Lampe Berger re-fill bottle not already been open ( child lock off) and 1/4 of the bottle spill on the floor as it flew out of the "environmentally friendly bag "at rush hour where tens of "city folk" are like sheep following one another to their ultimate destination, don't get in their way. All I can is, good thing I wasn't wearing open toed shoes and that I'm quick...could have been ugly. I made it. Hands the feeling of a sunburn we Canadians get when on holiday in the ferbrury ( ouch red, since we are obsessed with the sun!!), but I like to look on the bright side of all negative things...key word Try!!!, I for damn sure got rid of any H1N1 germs that were in that tunnel, HA!

Q: What if I hadn't picked up the phone and continued on with my instructions "not crowding the mushrooms" as Julia taught me?
A: The dinner would have turned out a hit and we wouldn't have said the things we said.

What if?

Tomorrow's topic:
Sleep on it.

Jewels of the city.

The first red leaves seem to appear in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday the sun was shining, my cheek was burning from the blazing sun that shines on my side of the street as I walk to work. It's September and I am still getting a pedi? My toes are still out for the day and well into the night. These birks still got some life in them. Boots. I think not.
The hibiscus trees are still flowering and the local market leaves the flowers out all night...I don't see any gourds and the restaurant patios are alive with the 5 o'clock daily visitors which are sipping on cold beer and 2 for 1 margaritas. This is still summer.

The sun quickly sets and soon the night air will roll in gently through my bedroom window. We are introduced for the first time since the early spring. We pause for a moment to agree that he is not welcome fully for at least several weeks and I agree to leaving the window half open in all rooms so that we may get adjusted to one another for the months to come.
The air is cooler than I would like. But a deal is a deal. My left foot is sticking out so the initial contact startles me, immediately I move the covers off both legs and feel the crisp air hit my ankles, then my knees and then my thighs. It briefly reminds me of coming out of a pool and not wanting to disrupt the nicely set up towel on the chaise to dry off, so I lay there and allow the air to do its thing. And as it begins to lift little water beads off my body I cool off, shiver and then feel a warmth that only the sun can leave.
Morning comes and the cool air of the night that came and is now gone. I go to the window, open the window fully, take a deep breath, nothing like the first breath, peek out only to find through my blurry vision a few blotches of red and gold throughout what I think are the trees. Not making sense of the nonsense that is without my glasses, I brush my teeth, wash my face and put on my contact lenses, come back to the window, pull the curtains wide open and there they are again, this time I can see what it is I thought I saw. The blotches are yesterday's leaves turned red.
Adio summer.

The fall colours can only be compared to the spring colours in beauty and awe. The reds, shimmery golds, burnt oranges and neon yellows are as surreal as the million shades of green that appear in the spring.
Every year the same 2 seasons leave me speechless ( I've overcome the speech impediment for this piece )
Fall in the city is mysterious and loud, in the country it is heavenly and should have streets lined with pre-assembled canvases ready to be painted with the beauty that surrounds them.
I am in the city....
Today I saw my first red leaves. I would bet serious money that they were green, primary green yesterday. I consider myself to be very observant and notice details in nature such as droopy hydrangeas and barely there buds, and follow them daily to witness their birth or sad death until the next time. It's always harder when beauty fades away....there are several trees
( mental picture, I can see 5 or 6 between the bench and the path on the way to work) now red, nail polish red, call it whatever shade of radiant red you want, red leaves. In clusters and not on the edges to think that the sun has influenced them but throughout the tree.
I walk towards the trees, walk slower and observe while walking, looking in my peripheral so that I can continue on without injuring another walker and take it all in. Magnificent!

Squint your eyes and each are jewels lighting up our skyline. Soon there will be " bushels" of jewels all over the city. How clever that a season is so considerate to allow itself to compliment walkers everywhere with hues and shades and give them the one up on fashion. It's genius, look up, around, down, dress yourself with the warm colours that is the hip and picturesque season called: Autumn.

Day 4: The sound of music

Happiness and music for me go hand in hand.

A day without ( to name a few daily rituals) Symphony No. 40 in G Minor, Kite, In a Little While, Strawberry Swing, Saint Agnes and the Burning Train and all the BA songs would be a day without light.
I swear and proudly state that I could not go a day without the sound of music.

I've often thought to myself ( while staring at myself on the subway)* could I ever be without my hearing?
Well, 6 months ago I was very close to that reality.
Long story short:
Bad cold ( I don't get sick often, for my faithful readers of 3 days, my cold on day 2 is now over)
Didn't stay home, swam daily for 4 days straight in the ocean. Nothing like the salt on your skin to make you feel like you're in Blue Lagoon, I being Brooke Sheilds, long thick chestnut hair, capri blue eyes etc etc ( that *****)
So I swam...and upon my return home spent 2 hours with my head between my legs in agony with the worst pain ever.
I'm no sissy! Honestly, maybe a little sissy, but by no means a sissy sissy.
So we all get it, lots of pain, horrible horrible horrible pain....and the loss of hearing.
2 complete weeks, 24 hrs a day of nothing.
Actually there was something....
A swooshing sound, plastic bags being gathered, or leaves being swept and stuffed vigourosly into those brown bags, or the sound of a glamourous gown made of " mille feuille" making its way down a scarlet staircase. That was the exact sound, only none of it was beautiful as the gown. It was lonely, scary and real.
The swooshing was so loud that it kept me awake, great! deaf and aware of it as much as possible. ( don't forget the pain)
Instructed by my doctor " do not listen to any direct music in the ear canal, the ear drum is damaged and can be damaged further if you do"

No music, fine. I sulk, leave and desperatly look for my iPod because I want, need to hear something.
3.22 minutes into Brandenburg Concerto and I rip the headphones out just as the violins are reaching their demise, I can't take it. I can barely hear the beautiful concerto eventhough I am pressing my little buds as far in as I can without breaking a sweat from the pain. Doctor's orders, yeah right.
It's a sunny day so I have my Julia Roberts shades on to hide my tears ...I sob a little, suck it up and continue on home.

I figure I have my memories of what I could hear. I lay down and dream.

Waves. Waves are definitely a good one. Any waves, lake waves are nice and different from ocean or sea waves. Not sure why. But the lake waves seem to be quiet as they approach and then strong and full of force as they introduce themselves to the shore.
Also, there are the napping waves and the tanning on the beach waves. Napping waves are much crisper in sound, organized and precise...close your eyes and think back to the last time you were napping and could hear waves. You could time the splash impact almost to the second. I don't have the answer as to why, so you don't need to read fast to read why...it's just an observation. Perhaps the napping not sleeping is the reason why. Ever notice how your senses are heightened when you nap. The tv is loud and annoying, the cat playing with its toy is all of a sudden coming across on a loudspeaker and if someone is walking by, you now have powers to see with your eyes closed. They are reaching for the remote, opening their purse. It's amazing!

The tanning on the beach waves. They are fun and playful, scripted to a dance beat. Rough and wild. Taunting you to come in, you could be 12 feet from the longest tide and all of a sudden your toes are wet. I love the tanning waves most. How intense and romantic , a blessing of a sound to exist.

Other memories include by grandmother's voice saying to my grandfather that I have awakened.
I was 17, sleeping at my grandparent's house and like all people, eventually woke up. My bed was on the wall featuring all windows that opened up to the " outdoor kitchen"...grandmother was peeking, and grandfather must have been positioned with what is later to follow. I must have opened my eyes because that seemed to be their queue. From a deep sleep I heard "she's awake" grandfather entered my room with a tray of food fit for a queen, decorated with many courses, flowers and exquisite linens, pressed and draped over a large tray. Gracefully placed on my lap, grandmother now appearing from the back entrance, fluffing my pillow for support, handing me my glasses, opening all windows for morning light and summer smells of flowers and berries and finally both proceed to banter on planning the day and posing endless questions of prep to follow. The commotion was fantastic. Spoiled, certainly. Lastly, as all this talk was going on all 4 arms are still working, pouring the tea, offering sugar or lemon, butter with jam or just jam. It was quite a production, rehearsed? Impossible, true love? Yes!

The sound within that entire house was beautiful.
The creeks as I enter the kitchen were old but fresh, loud and an impossible obstacle if one were to try and surprise by their entrance. The kitchen has the main door but it should not, it was never closed, always visitors. ( I think it had a curtain, I remember a faint snap of some sort as the curtain or a curtain would be picked up by a gust and then dropped back down) hmmm, yes that seems right. The sound of hello kisses and treats being placed on the table are oh so vivid. Moving on, we now have three different sounds. One, the sound as my feet hit first the bare floor, then the frame and then a woven rug that now leads to the piano room. The piano room, room 2 with the area rug mentioned under my feet was the room only divided by the door from the kitchen ( always open again) but this room is a dark room, full of pictures and figurines. Nothing like any of the other rooms. Rooms 1 and 2, opposites. Life in one and transition to somewhere in the other? Haven't quite figured that out just yet. Now that I am thinking about it, why was that room so dark, was it always dark? It's like Mary Lennox lived in the house and Colin Craven lived in the piano room.
Readers, please tell me you are aware of thses timeless characters from the classic by Frances Hodgson Burnett...if not please stop here, read the book and finish later.

Has anyone ever opened the drapes, are there drapes. I must make an inquiry. My father will know. I will have a summary ready for those interested in a later entry.
Next is room 3, the everything room, tv room, dining room, kind of bedroom, and the room that housed the armoires. Nothing special about these armoires now, but back then they were full of sounds that are with me always. Doors to endless adventures in role playing. Ah, for me to smile, no details necessary.
And lastly, the steps from the back door out to the "outdoor kitchen". Cement and not much to look at but that pitter patter of in and out, of many visitors hold memories of many sounds for me for many years still.
Every sound was clear and louder than as if I were standing in that house that day, or today, and I'm sure tomorrow the sound will be even louder.
I remember as I lay there thinking of these sounds and realized that if I were to never regain my hearing that I would be ok. I would have my memories to help me through the void....but ...
Not today:
Thank you Sonus ( Greek Goddess of Sound) for restoring my hearing.

An experience, yes. I could have done without the stabbing pain but all in all it has resurected memories of sounds and voices that I will cherish with me always. Ones I didn't think of often but now review daily and when I do, I close my eyes, play one of my many favourite melodies and take myself back to that specific day when the sound was all that mattered. For the sound was what gave life to my remembering. It's easy to think back and picture what one looked like, walked like, danced like but to remember the sound of their breath as it entered their soul and left their pores, their hand holding yours as the wind passed through the fold in your fingers or what their lips sounded like as they began to smile, a soft but wet suction as they separate from the teeth and meet the full smile. That takes the sound of life's music and creates memories within us waiting to be remembered and when they are, ohh... are they ever special, tender and everlasting.

* something else I think of besides the dinner menu and laundry change.

Tomorrow's Topic:
Jewels of the city

Day 3: Money and everything else

M O N E Y


Write that out over and over and it loses its very important being of

" The One "

History 101 -The word money is believed to originate from a temple of Hera, one of Rome's seven hills...The temple of Juno Moneta in Rome is where the "money" of Ancient Rome was located.

"Juno" is an Ancient Rome goddess meaning " The One"

When I think of the phrase " The One" it seems angelic, should I bow , pray or cry with joy at its presence ...in this case I just mention. Never would I associate such a special and precise title to that of such a plain thing. It only seems right to relate the two, after all there are " no such thing as coincidences " ( that's for you dad)

hmmm...

Without getting carried away and reading too much into this ( I am woman, pardon my finding the text within a text within a subtext) " The One" here is a simple translation. It is just that. But!! One ( me, hello ) is like a kid in a candy store, free to pick and chose, to interpret and to connect the dots as obvious or not as they are to such a duh! right in your face something that could possibly be some sort of something.

Such an obvious translation, so fascinating and devastating all at the same time?

Money- The abundance of it is powerful and leaves one ( aware of) intoxicated with endless possibilities where the lack of is a constant torment BUT for the lucky few, yes lucky in cases fueled by ambition and a run for the rainbow, full force speedway to what if.

Most of us out there ( my dear readers) are as I am here writing, a lover of what if, we are in a journey of making our mark, leaving our post for something better, something worth the talk and at the idea of perhaps an imitation of some sort. After all imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

We start our days, aimlessly and routinely with an ultimate goal, whether for today or tomorrow or distant speck in the sky of the ideal.

1st- money can't buy happiness ( he/she was not happy)
2nd- money is the root of all evil ( he/she was evil)
Such phrases were put in place to deter you and I from remembering our place in the playground. Fair play and love thy neighbour. Why should " it" change all that.
Would I not lend my shovel and bucket if I were up here and my friend down there.
Why such a separation from what a man is. A man is one who is driven by....my answer in short is love and acceptance. At the end of the day we, myself included want to love and be loved and feel a part of.
Strip away the material layers of ( oh I don't know, expectations and assumptions and so many other -umptions) and we are all the same. We forget that, and we must not forget that, we must remember that.


"The One" being in my piece here is just as I started out...a translation and by means of description a relation to everything else...
A coincidence by default but an interesting way of grounding ourselves when the air is thick and peace of mind is muffled.

Money is power, it is opportunity and it is the only thing that drives us all ( to good or to bad) it does its part, it creates a chance for 2 ways, both leading to the same golden gate. Neither is easy, fast or pleasant but one is beautiful and tattooed in the whisper that comes before dawn. It is a soft shadow everyday, everywhere and in everyone.
...don't kid yourselves, break it all away, get rid of everything else, find the man who seeks your smile, the cause that will fail without your line and the sound of laughter that is faint without your humour.

Rich or poor, silver spoon or 9-5 it is what we are ALL here for. For the chance to win here, while we are here, while we have to be here before we meet " The One"


huh, how's that for an ending....that's a whole other everything else and more....


Tomorrow's Topic:
The sound of music

Day 2: Subway Faces

Waking up this morning was a little challenging. I'll run you through ...

Alarm, snooze, tissues galore...headache, stuffed nose, but somehow oddly a very runny nose, watery eyes, weak and achy...

yes, I have a cold :(

No boring details of the glamourous adventure of getting ready while having my head feel as if it is being squeezed through a small pipe. Pulled myself together and out I go.

( did I mention I had a permanent pillow mark?, well I did, I may still)

So the faces, right...for a second I could see a whole piece on pillows, even colds but that would be boring...subway faces on the other hand is interesting..( still just speaking to me, so to me it's interesting...awaiting the comments)

The walk to the subway was odd in itself. The cold symptoms did not help. Usually I arrive at work with a feeling of time travel. My route is so routine that I am convinced I could do it blindfolded and be good at it. There are days when I feel as if I was dropped in my seat, given my coffee and that the lights turned themselves on. I actually do not remember the steps down or up the stairs. ( If only the bad moments were forgotten so willingly)

The usual 3 people I see at the same time every morning were not there...not one. Weird. They are always there.

I see the same 3 people every day walking, on the escalator, on the platform and on MY train.

1-Male, 45 ish tall, well dressed and ALWAYS with a coffee ( must be my soulmate ....) very focused and always peeking in anticipation of the next train....the posture changes as the train approaches, a certain rush of energy and eagerness as the train arrives.  He is always proud that he has managed to stand exactly where the train stops. I know this because there is a shuffle as the train enters, the exact calculation and then reward as the train doors are on either side of him, he nods just prior to entering the train. Stands, faces the glass which later becomes a mirror. What is he thinking? I always wonder, who stares at themselves for 6 stations ( I get off at the 6th ) It would be rude to ask, who asks? I would love to ask...but I've done that too and I think of stuff like dinner menu and if I have enough laundry change to finally do my whites, so that answers my question, he probably thinks of that too, nothing.

2- Female, 20 ish, petite, soft features, looks older that she really is, sad. She looks tired and I think she is struggling with something. She's always on the 2nd bench sitting on the south side staring at the awful coloured tiles. Looks up as one walks by, we smiled a few times at one another. I smiled warmly, she out of obligation.  Pre-occupied...but aren't we all, us "city folk". 

Regardless I'm nosy enough to people watch...obviously, and then think about it obsessively throughout the ride and sometimes throughout the day. What happened, what is happening which quickly changes to times in my life when I felt like that, looked like that and then in vain I think...what do people think? 

We enter different carts, we are on our own, she has no idea that there is someone in the next cart wondering if she is ok...hoping. Perhaps a comfort for me is to know that I think of her and wish her well.

3- Woman 30 ish, my favourite. Tall, fit and well dressed. Business woman, suit always pressed, pantyhose even in the hot summer months ( a real lady) Walks with confidence and poise.

I've seen her do the following:

Pick up other peoples newspapers off the train floor and take them in her purse to the garbage on the platform as she exits at her stop.

Stand in 3" heels without holding on once as the train wobbles left and right ( I was sitting and had to tighten my grip to avoid becoming friends with my seated neighbour)

Run in the same heels at full speed with the briefcase and a traveller mug...amazing!

...and numerous other "wonder woman" stunts all in pristine attire.

Can I just say this...etiquette is everything. As Johnny says to Baby in Dirty Dancing " this is my dance space and this is your dance space"

People, respect eachother's space. If your subway neighbour is so close that an onlooker may thing that he/she is your lover than you are way to close. Back up!! Off topic but had to be said.

Indeed, the pillow mark is gone.

Tomorrow's Topic:

Money and everything else.

Day 1: Hello Andreea

A movie, an inspiration....a new passion?!?

It all started with Julie and Julia...really...is that all it took? A movie, Hollywood? 

It's been there all along...or should I say: I've been here all along. ( without the Hollywood part of course)

Nevertheless, here I am, writing, thinking, writing, writing...I need a topic (s)

So if you have any advice, critics or praisers, thoughts or concerns, please send me a comment and we'll see where this takes us.

Toronto based, Interior Decorator by day....dreamer by night. Trying to find the courage to get out there and do what I love to do. I love to write...except I only write in my head. No one is there to read....so as my Acupuncturist  said to me last week " Andreea, you need to focus, write your thoughts out on paper and breathe" well I'm doing both, no?

Ok, so that wasn't a very good intro. Let's start again.

Hello Andreea! 

2 words, really the first 2 words that actually start my day...still don't get it...wait.

I proceed to pay, wait and then go for it! The first sip, lid and go...wait! 

It's a coffee...not just any coffee...MY coffee, and it's perfect.

My husband says I'm addicted...am I? What do you think?

I guess I am addicted, addicted to the good life, the fine taste of "the bean" the atmosphere and the people.

Now I can continue to work, live, think, argue, worry and be me.....

.....this feels amazing!

 Day 1: what have I been waiting for?

Tomorrow's Topic:

Subway faces.